Tag Archives: the rules

A Long Christmas Date

Well, The Man is here. And all seems to be well. Unfortunately, however, The Date has not yet happened. We started snogging as soon as we saw each other and then it all sort of went wrong. By last night he was washing his underpants in my sink with soap stolen from a hotel. I was nagging him to hurry up because we had to go and meet some friends of mine for dinner. Then I helped myself to a piece of fruit from the shopping we had DONE TOGETHER earlier (oh god) and belched without the slightest trace of self-consciousness. … Continue reading

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More lies (these ones are even worse)

In my last blog I mused some of the lies that I have told men over the years. They were general lies; sort of lies that I know women tell men all the time because whenever I bring up the subject with girlfriends they get really excited and start frenziedly confessing to their own lies until everyone is yelling out their favourite porkies with the sort of  wild enthusiasm that would have a Catholic priest running from his confession box in abject fear. Women love to bond over the insane things they do. It reminds us that we are not alone and gives us … Continue reading

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Nope. Next!

Sorry, but no. Paul cannot be. I heard nothing from him for five days and then he sent a text message today asking if I had found anywhere good to do yoga. 1. I do not do yoga. Not now, not ever. The downward dog leaves me with the posture of a hunchback and the sound of mentally stable women breathing deeply troubles me more than I can describe. I like to spend my ‘exercise’ time working up a sweat and charging around like an angry Water Buffalo – this, to me at least, feels like health ‘n’ fitness time … Continue reading

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Brinkmanship

Paul and I are doing a dance. You know, that dance. The cold-war-of-dating dance. Paul is Russia, I am America. Russia makes threatening noises and aims its guns at America; America steps up and makes threatening noises back. America polishes its arsenal of nuclear weapons ( I went and got my bikini line done) and begins to take emergency measures (I found the Argentinian equivalent of IKEA and bought a bedspread to improve the rather alternative decor in my new bedroom.) Then without warning, Russia retreats, takes stock and decides to withdraw and build up its defences. America follows suit and wonders … Continue reading

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