There were so many things I loved yesterday. There was the woman in Macy’s telling me that a handbag I was gazing at was ‘really English, like, so suitable for England it’s, like, oh my god, THIS IS A BAG FOR ENGLISH PEOPLE’ (seriously). There was the lovely osteopath who sorted out all my problems in an hour, and then told me about the best pizza in the entire world. (Everyone in New York recommends the best pizza in the entire world. Their recommendations are never the same.) There was the unexpected email from an old school friend who now lives here, inviting me to join her for her birthday celebrations, and there was the bowl of perfect, steaming, free-range pork belly ramen at Momofuku that made me want to cry it was so delightful. Since deciding to go free-range and organic with my meat I’ve certainly eaten a lot less pork. Which is hard because it is my favourite thing in all of history.
And then there was the CRACK PIE. As you will note from previous blogs, I have been accepting challenges from readers; specifically food challenges. So far I’ve eaten a corn dog, a twinkie and a twizzler. The results have not been great. I apologise for the amount of swearing and food-spitting out that has gone on in the videos. But seriously. The corn dog? What the fuck? Who the fuck? WHY?
None of that was necessary last night, when I tried the Milkbar’s Crack Pie. This is a pie so important that it’s actually been patented. Although it seems that any remotely good idea, even if it’s a cake, gets patented here.
I was uncertain about the idea of Crack Pie. I hoped it got its name because it was like crack – once you start, you just can’t stop. But there was a part of me that feared that it was in some way related to bum cracks. I’d have hated that.
Luckily, it was the former. It was incredible, that Crack. A mouthful of beautiful, filthy, sugary, creamy, cracky HEAVEN. It was so good that I stopped watching telly and just wailed things at Marge; mostly ‘Oh my God. This is amazing. This is amazing. This is amazing.’
I did not feel the urge to eat ten more afterwards. The Crack Pie is a noble beast and must be handled with respect, or else it may lose its God-like qualities. For this pie really was made by the hand of God. It could not be further from bum cracks if it tried.
And that is all I have to say.