Oh good god above. I LOVE ENGLAND! I’m afraid this is a bit of a whistlestop blog – more soon – but for now I wanted to make a brief list of the things I have loved so far:
1. Heathrow Airport. Things actually work there! And it’s, like, calm and organised. And my family were there. And The Man. AND THERE WAS A MARKS AND SPENCER SIMPLY FOOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD BOXES OF DELICIOUS HEALTHY FOOD OH MY GOD.
You’d understand if you’d spent a year in a country that subsists on fatty meat, refined carbs and sugar.
2. My family. They are brilliant. They speak English and I know them. I can pass wind in front of them and it doesn’t matter. As long as it doesn’t smell too bad.
3. The English language. I can understand what everyone is saying. When I go to a shop I don’t need to spend half an hour rehearsing what to ask for and still end up coming away with a hairbrush when I wanted a cucumber. I know swearwords and can use toilet humour. I have a personality once more. It is amazing.
4. GROUSE! Grouse greeted me with unbridled hysteria when I arrived back at my parents’ house. It was like the world had ended and Grouse and I were the only survivors. (However it should be noted that this is Grouse’s standard greeting and that when I returned from the village shop a little later he greeted me with exactly the same level of hysteria. Once again it was like the world had ended and Grouse and I were the only survivors. The same when I returned from a phone call in my bedroom.)
5. The Man. The man has obstructed the writing of this blog by repeatedly sitting on my knee and snogging me. We are in my parents’ house so he is playing a dangerous game, but hey ho. I can barely keep my hands off The Man. He loves Grouse, Grouse loves him, he loves my parents, my parents love him. He is more handsome than I remembered. He is funnier than I remembered. He is cleverer than I remembered (bummer). He is awesome.
6. My best friend’s wedding. less than 24 hours after touching down I reported for duty in a field in the West Country where my best friend was getting married. I was her Best Woman and got to do pampery shit with her the night before, to walk up the ‘aisle’ with her (a thistle-lined section of field) and stand up in front of 130 people and tell them how much I loved her. It was probably the most perfect day of all time. All manner of laughter, bawling and madness. The only slight problem was that I somehow expected a field in Gloucestershire to be as warm as northern Argentina and so looked a bit of a knob in a crotch-skimming floaty dress.
7. Apple squash. Tesco sugar-free. Wow. Amazing.
8. My friends. The first message I received was from HT and it said: ‘According to my diary you have just landed. Please advise regarding availability for lunch at your earliest convenience.’ Rather than bursting into tears at my arrival in the UK I burst out laughing and did some loud and excitable squeaks. I’ve been proper touched by how many people have emailed and texted or called. I honestly presumed that everyone would have forgotten about me.
9. BATHS. I’ve had five in three days.
10. Everything. This is not a cop-out tenth point, it’s the truth. I’m just so happy to be back. Leaving Argentina was horribly sad I cried like a baby as my plane took off but you know what, England ain’t so bad. It’s good to be back.