Marie Claire Blog Archive

Seductress/hostage taker

Hello dear friends! I apologise for my absence of late. I’ve been in Ibiza, you see. On a hen party. Did you hear me? I went to Ibiza! Where, like, trendy people go? They like get villas n shit? And they go to sunset bars and look good after a day at the beach? Yuh? That was me for the last four days. Me! Smelly old Robinson! I stayed in a beautiful villa with a load of beautiful women and had a properly brilliant time! Who knew?   I think the experience probably deserves a blog in itself but for now I wanted to … Continue reading

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The perfect package

Oh, readers. You bunch of psychopaths. How I love you! After my request in my last blog for stories of dreadful seduction I received tweets which left me literally roaring with laughter, thumping my leg. “I love these women!” I yelled gratefully. My personal favourite was from Helena who locked a potential suitor in the bathroom with her, whispering, “Here I am. Waxed, randy and ready. There are shower facilities if you need hosing down.” Just amazing. Anyway apologies for my absence. I went abroad again. (My holidays for 2012 both happened within a week of each other which at the time … Continue reading

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Run, Robinson. RUN!

A few weeks ago I was changing the sheets on my bed. Without warning, something underneath my right shoulder blade exploded agonisingly down my back and up into my neck. “Arghhh,” I whispered, immediately paralysed. The Man, who was next door, either didn’t hear or took no notice. He is used to my dramatic noises. “Arghhhh,” I repeated, with more volume. I wasn’t even looking for sympathy; the problem was that I had actually been rendered immobile and didn’t know what to do. Eventually The Man came through and found me clutching a pillowcase, petrified like a dinosaur in the … Continue reading

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Bang, went my face. I fell out of my high heels.

Well, it happened. Publication day came and went. My book (pictured – once only, I promise) is out there, in the world. Feck! I didn’t knob up my radio interviews too horribly, although I did have an awkward moment when one of the presenters made some gag involving my name. The gag was clearly designed to invite a reciprocal response but the problem with that was that I had already forgotten his name. An uncomfortable silence ensued as we both waited for me to remember. Eventually, somewhat wounded, he soldiered on. Other than that, all was well. I signed books, talked … Continue reading

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Hush… There’s a deathly hush all around…

When I was twelve I wrote the lyrics for a song which began with the line above. Let’s just say it together, atmospherically: Hush…. There’s a deathly hush all around…. Oh, it was a classic. A few lines later it went “There’s gonna be a riot if it stays this quiet…” I mean, I was destined to be a writer! Oh, Robinson. Riot and quiet? Bless you, my little love. Bless you. Anyway. That’s sort of how it felt when I woke up this morning. There was a deathly hush all around. An eerie stillness broken only by an unseen finger that … Continue reading

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Bawdy Wench

Happy Easter, my friends! Hmmm. Normally Easter Sunday sees me locked in a resentful face-off with a boiled egg because I am unable to eat sugar and thus cannot stuff my face with chocolate. Naturally, it is always the boiled egg’s fault. Or, I will spend the day trying to outwit my parents’ dog Grouse, whose determination to steal any chocolate stored within four feet of the floor is matched only by the determination of Simon Cowell to fill the world with dreadful music. This year, however, I have to say I’ve barely even noticed that it’s Easter. I’m grateful to … Continue reading

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I slept in the bathroom doorway wrapped in a curtain?

Good day to you, readers. How are you today? I am old. I’ve suspected this for a while (wrinkles; generally being asleep before midnight; interest in gourmet chutneys) but in the last week my advanced years have become impossible to ignore. By way of evidence I’m including a picture of me hanging out with old people on the Seine last week. This blog details the changes I am noticing in myself. So. I had dinner in a fashionable restaurant in Soho last night. I attired myself in what I believed to be a voguish ensemble. My sister (who actually is voguish) greeted … Continue reading

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Who ate all the fromage

Oh oui oui bloody OUI, readers! J’ADORE PARIS! Flaming arseballs, it was amazing. Why the hell did I wait until I  was 32 ? Well, I suppose I know why. And yes, as reasons go it was on the slightly silly end of the scale but since I outed myself at least five girlfriends and several blog readers (hell, they’re my girlfriends too!) have mailed me to say that they too have been waiting for lurve to arrive in their lives before going. If you are reading and you are one of these people, allow me to inform you that you’re making a … Continue reading

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Robinson goes to Paris

HI THERE my dear Readers. I write to you in a state of great excitement. Firstly, I’ve just been to see Penguin, my publishers. It’s only six weeks until my novel is published – less, maybe – and they tell me that the retail world is going mad for it. And reviewers, bloggers, all sorts of people are loving it. I cannot put into words how extraordinary this news is to me. Honestly: I finished the thing and thought it was absolute turd. To think that something I’ve written is actually enjoyable to normal human beings is just beyond awesome. … Continue reading

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Meaty mornings

I took The Man to meet Kieran, my old housemate. I love Kieran; I used to live with him. I love The Man, I now live with him. I thought we could share some chat about what a great person I am to live with: kind, funny, tidy: the sort of roomie you’d be really proud to introduce to your friends and family. The waiter came over to take our order. It was breakfast; we were in a French restaurant. He spoke to us in French because no one in that restaurant ever talks to you in English. It wouldn’t … Continue reading

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